Angry Mum Go Away!

I am angry every day.

In the morning, I get angry when I try to wake my girls and they¬†refused to budge. I get angry in the day due to lack of time to complete all the things I need to for the day. I get angry in the evening because the girls don’t want to feed themselves and refused to finish their dinner. I’m angry again at bedtime because the girls refused to sleep! I’m angry even when I’m the only one awake late into the night because I still have 999 things on my to-do list for the day… for the week… for the month… “WHY SO MANY THINGS TO DO?!

I’ve never wanted or thought to be a perfect mum. Because I know I will never be. I’m such a lazy mum that gets distracted very easily and spent too much time worrying about everything in life, at home, at work and the kids.

My girls, especially the youngest, is starting to be like me. They are always so angry at each other, angry at being forced to do things, angry at our constant reminder to get moving, angry at having to do their work from school and even angry at being asked to go out!

A few days ago I read this post and my mind went blank. My girls are angry so often because of me! I reflected back to how I had been communicating with them, how I shooed them out of the room because I was trying to work on a proposal. I shouted at them when they dropped their food over dinner, I gave them the devil stare when they refused to follow my instructions.

Strangely, I only get angry and mad at my girls. But I don’t show anger when faced with angst moments at work or with peers. Is this the norm? Do other mothers feel and behave the same too?

I want to stop being an angry mum.

I am The Loving Mum! Yes, I do love my girls too much, but I haven’t been loving myself (nor my husband) as much as I used to. This is probably one of the reasons why I am forever angry.

This year, on Mother’s Day, I pledge to change and stop being angry. It is going to be very very very tough, but I am going to do it. I am going to take more effort to be aware of how I talk, react and express my emotions towards my girls. I will not let the anger side of me surface as much as it had been. I will step back and take deep breaths before I react to¬†situations when I am around the kids. I will do my best to become a peaceful mum and slow down my pace a little a day. I will love myself and my hub more, do things that make us happy and always try to sneak time off just for us.

If you are reading this and if you ever see me being angry, please remind me of this post. Remind me to stay peaceful. Help me get the angry mum out of me.

Happy mother’s day to all my friends who are mums. Hang in there and feast on all the chocolates you want this weekend! We deserve it.

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Stop Staring at Me and My Screaming Child

A recent scene at a food court during dinner peak hours got me feeling rather upset and angry. It’s not the hysterical crying from my grouchy toddler nor the mess she created on the table with our Salmon Pepper Rice. What got me very upset was the stare and dagger eyes I received within that few minutes from people around us.

You do not know me nor my child. You do not know what went on before the scene nor why I am doing what I did that very moment. You do not know that the little one was exhausted and grouchy due to lack of sleep for the day. You really do not have the right to stare.

Zara is in the period where she is learning to cope with her emotions and anger. Her form of telling us she is not happy or wants to do things her way but got rejected is to throw her biggest fit anywhere anytime. Doesn’t matter if we were in a crowded mall, if she doesn’t get the attention she demanded she would simply throw her butt onto the floor and give her loudest cry.

If she’s restricted to movement and has no way of throwing herself to the ground, she would start her hysterical crying and screaming that will send any embarrassed parents carrying her away from the crowded public space.

But for me, I do just the opposite. I let her be. Because she will eventually stop. She needs to learn that crying or throwing tantrums doesn’t get things fixed. She will just get overly tired after the outpouring of emotions and she will feel worst than before.

We have been doing this to her since she turned two in August. Her period of terrible two is triple times more than what we had to encounter with Ayra. Our number two is much more strong headed and I may say much smarter than how we thought she really is. She know how to take over our mind and drive us crazy just so she gets what she wants; all the time.

Though I really am not bothered by how strangers think about our actions and way of handling the situation, but I just can’t stand them whispering amongst their companions and the stabbing dagger stares from them. You may be an expert in child discipline in your own rights, but please mind your own business and keep your eyes away from us.

I wonder how would they feel when they are in the same situation themselves and being starred at for the whole duration. #notsoniceright

 

Hello Baby No. 2

Drafting of this post started on 15 February 2013 and published only now cause I needed to be sure no. 2 is ready to be revealed.


Sometime last year, we decided it is time to give Ayra a younger sibling. It is either now or never. My plan is to get the child bearing part of my life settled and spend as much time as I can with my babies till they are ready for school. I don’t wish to see one child to school then plan for a second one, this will not enable me to return back to work and help bring in some dough for the family. So we did it.

Being the kan cheong me, I used the first kit too early. It was three weeks before my expected cycle and the test was negative. A week later, I decided to test it again, this time the second line was showing a little but never quite revealed in full after several minutes, so I take it that the kit was faulty. Still feeling that something is happening inside me, I tested it again few days before my cycle. And this time the lines were clear.

On January 6, 2013: It’s positive!
Hello Baby No. 2!

Continue reading “Hello Baby No. 2”

Big Changes to Our Routines

I’ve been working for myself for the past 4 years, then there was no big commitments and no family that I have to provide for. Those were the days when I was younger and powered with limitless energy and gusto. Fast forward two years and things changed. I got married, became a mother, directions and priorities in life changed. Running my own businesses with a baby to take care of was a great challenge. There was a lack of push power for me to persists on with my businesses. Things slowed down and eventually sustaining the businesses was just too tough and almost impossible.

Since the birth of Baby Ayra, I’ve been the sole caregiver and companion. We spend everyday and every minute together. I am blessed to be able to spend a good 17 months with her while wrapping up on-going projects from home. It was the most precious, loving and memorable 17 months, witnessing many milestones and developments in my baby girl. We have both gotten very dependent on one another, knowing we will always be there in bed in the morning when we open our eyes.

Soon reality hits. With another big change coming soon in our family, we need to ensure we will be able to live comfortably and be able to support our children through education and their lives. It is just not possible to sustain one family and house and the living standards in Singapore with a single income. Decision was made that I have to get a job. Lucky enough, a few came knocking on my door immediately when I posted my search for new career on Facebook. In less than two weeks, I got employed and started work the following week. I thought I was mentally and emotionally prepared for it. I thought it was going to be easy. But I was wrong.

Continue reading “Big Changes to Our Routines”

You amazed me

Dear Ayra,

You amazed me all the time and tonight you held yourself up for more than 3 seconds on my bed without holding on to me for support. TWICE!!! Your hands were held high and your posture was straight and upright. You gave me a “look-ma-i-did-it” expression and it was priceless!

You are learning so fast and picking up new habits everyday. You’ll pretend to be upset to get my attention when I’m busy with work. You will play hide-and-seek with me and laugh together with me when we are having fun. You also prefer to sleep next to me in my bed every night, and will occupy 3/4 of the single bed leaving me with little space for any proper sleep. Though I wake up every morning with strained neck, arms and back, the great big smile you give me upon waking up makes all these pain go away. Its magic!

Baby, grow well and grow strong.

Love,
Mummy

Start of hibernation

Decided to take an early break from work and hibernate till baby’s arrival. And there after hopefully a continuous 4 months long maternity at home. Life’s going to be very different when baby’s here. Juggling between family, home and work is going to be a new milestone of challenges for me. I hope I’ll be able to handle all well.

Counting down… 3 weeks to your arrival.

Week 28 visit to Prof John Tee

Mummy pray and hope and wish; drank lots of water and kept pacing around before the scan, hoping to catch a glimpse of your gender today. Filled with excitement I looked into the scan monitor and all we saw was your curved spine with head pointing down and legs folded. Doctor tried but it was another failed attempt.

Wanted to start buying stuff for you but now we can’t pick pretty colors nor boy/girl indicated stuff for you. And Mummy already is half way through your first scrap album; trying my best to keep it as neutral and none gender focus as possible. You’re really giving us a challenge ah?

Measured your weight today and you’re as 1234g, measuring 23.3cm in length. Gynae said all is fine and you’re healthy. With your arrival inching closer, and you getting into position to see the world, its highly likely that we’ll be kept in suspense till your arrival!

Looks like it’ll be neutral colored clothes, accessories and necessities for you for the first 3 months.

Be good and grow well baby. We’ll try again on 20th July.

Love you!